Reviews

 Scream 4

Ah yes, Scre4m. Wes Craven's first movie of 2011. One thing I'd like to say about this movie is that it's NOT SCARY WHATSOEVER! (No offense, Wes.) It was entertaining, though. I just don't see how Sydney can keep her cool. I mean, if I were chased by a psycho killer three times, I'd be pretty messed up. Please tell us, how do you do it? Now, I'm not gonna give away too many spoilers, but Dewey, Gale, and Sydney survive. Good movie. Bad horror movie. ***/*****

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My Soul to Take

Okay, now I know what you're thinking, "Seriously, Isaiah? Two Wes Craven movies in a row?" Shut up. My Soul to Take was a great movie. Basically the entire story line is that in the beginning, this dude figures out that he's a serial killer, and gets gunned down. His soul travels into the bodies of kids that were born the night he died, and the storyline goes on. SPOILER ALERT! Bug's his son. This is a movie that you'd wanna watch alone in the dark. Great movie. Good horror movie. ****/*****

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      Diary of the Dead

Well, I  could be all blogger-like and say "George A. Romero, 'nuff said", but those people are stupid, so I'm gonna write a paragraph about how awesome this movie was. The message of this movie was "Humanity, are we really worth saving?" Well, George I don't know. Why don't you ask Jesus? I'm not gonna answer that question because I'll get hate mail. So, long story short (it seems I've gone a little off topic (thank the economy)) this movie was a great movie fine horror movie. ****/***** 

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Orphan

Oh, jeppies! Is it Christmas? Two evil girl movie reviews? I love it already! I liked Orphan in many, many different ways. I mean, who doesn't want to adopt a 33-year-old child wannabe schizophrenic (that's what I'm guessing) Russian (woo) girl named Esther? I know I don't. Anyway, this movie was scary and stuff but it was missing something. Something that made me roll up in a ball. I mean, I watched it on Halloween night! Am I just less fearless or something? Seriously why was I not scared. The night I watched this, I had a dream of Stewie and Brian Griffin beating Esther with a baseball bat! Great Movie. Good Horror Movie. ****/*****

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The Collector

LET'S COLLECT THINGS! Anyway, The Collector wasn't scary, even though I found it in the horror section. HATAZ GONNA HATE! -clears throat- ANYWAY! This movie had a great storyline, and it was a great movie altogether. I mean, who wouldn't want to collect people? This guy writing this review. That's who. ANYWAY! This movie was collecting good and it collected me! (See what I did there) Great Movie. Good Horror Movie. ****/*****

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Insidious

Insidious is. Insidious is. Insidious is. Insidious is. STOP ASKING ME! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS! I saw the movie last night (as of this writing) and it scared me. And to make matters worse, they added a Darth Maul, Freddy Krueger, Mr. Tumnus crossover. This movie is a must-see if you haven't had a good scare in a while, and you've labeled yourself "fearless" (That is no longer my label.) If you wanna go to the movie rental store place, tell 'em Isaiah sent you, if you wanna get it from netflix, don't tell them anything. Anyways, this movie was-as Horace Pinker would say-finger lickin' good! Amazing movie, Amazing horror movie. *****/*****

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Paranormal Activity

O_O Look at the movie poster closely. What does it say right under Paranormal Activity? It says Don't watch it alone. DON'T WATCH IT ALONE?!!!?!?!?!?!?! I saw it alone. Wasn't scary. I was sitting on my beanbag chair, with the lights off, watching it on what looked like a TV from 1984. Ahem, ANYWAYS this movie was part scary, part not scary, Amazing Movie, Great Horror Movie.

*****/*****

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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Prequels. The kings of the actual movie. They control what happens next, but the hard part is that you have to make it match up with the original, TCM did do that. It did not in 1974, cheesy movies, gotta hate them. I love them. I loved this movie, better than the 1974 version. Great Movie. Good Horror Movie. ****/*****

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The Caller 

This movie. This movie was surprisingly good. The entire plot is this chick gets a call from some old geezer from the 70s. The old geezer says she saw her with her mommy as a child, so the chick looks at some pictures of her as a child and sees the old geezer in the background. Oh yeah, and did I mention HER CRAZY EX HUSBAND IS STALKING HER!!! Ahem...anyway. She meets this guy, the old geezer kills the guy as a kid and stuffs him in her wall. The movie was good, scary fun. Eventually, the old geezer comes to the chick's house. Apparently she holds a grudge. And the chick as a kid kills the old geezer and all is good. Until she kills her ex husband. Good Movie. Fine Horror Movie. ****/*****

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The Hills Have Eyes

2006 Was a good year. Not only a good prequel, but a good remake also. Probably because Wes Craven helped write and produce it. Maybe not. But it's highly likely. Meaning it's true. I like what they did with the...let's call them Charlie Sheens...in this one, making them extra scary. I mean, if a Charlie Sheen came to your RV and stole your baby, what would you do? Chase it to it's abandoned ghost town? Maybe. Chase it inside a dark spooky house where it could be anywhere? Looks like your baby just got adopted. But that's just my opinion. This movie was really good and Isaiah-worthy. Great Movie. Good Horror Movie. *****/*****

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The Hills Have Eyes 2

You still have it in you, Wes, The Hills Have Eyes 2 wasn't better than the first one, but still conveniently good. I mean, there's always that one Charlie Sheen that helps the non-mutated people to be safe, and they got new Charlie Sheens, That made me mad. Good Movie. Okay Horror Movie. ***/*****

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9 Dead

Alright, been a while since my last review. Let's see if I still have it in me. 9 Dead is about this dude who kidnaps 9 people and they need to figure out how they're all connected or else he'll kill one every 10 minutes. Oh yeah, and did I forget to mention that one is Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Yeah, why didn't she just like zap herself out or something? Anyway, this movie was good all the way up to the end, fine movie bad horror movie. **/*****

 My Name is Bruce

Woo. It's been a while since I wrote up a Review. So today, I am reviewing My Name is Bruce a movie starring Bruce Campbell about Bruce Campbell getting kidnapped by villagers hoping that he will pull off some Ash crap and take down Guan Di, an ancient Asian spirit. This movie brought equal amounts of awesomeness and comedy I mean, it's Bruce Campbell, why wouldn't it have comedy? So, I have to call this an epically awesome movie but a B-Side Horror movie.

****/*****